This morning is the first morning all week I've had enough energy to get up and get moving before 9AM. First morning I set the alarm with the intention of getting out of bed before noon. First morning I haven't looked at my goals list for the day and immediately drawn a line through a third of the items on it because I just didn't have the energy to complete them. First time I haven't seen that list as the enemy and tried to pretend like I never wrote the thing out in the first place.
Depression can really do that to a girl when it kicks in.
To be fair, a lot of the triggers have been pulled recently. I haven't been practicing self-care the way I should for a good while now. I've gotten sick a few times. Finances are stressing me out. I'm grieving multiple losses (people and things). It's the time of year where I need to be vigilant because depression like to creep up on me.
In the words of the infamous Marty Deeks, "I'm stingin' all over."
Because I'm tired. I'm hurting. I just feel weak.
It's not such a different feeling from the ones I walked through in my go-to stories about being weak. Ireland and malaria. Australia and depression/suicide. Catalina Island and lack of exercise. They each had their lessons, too. Ireland taught me how to have joy in the midst of suffering. Australia taught me how to take my thoughts captive and reject the ones leading me away from the source of my joy. And Catalina Island was the starting point of lessons I'm still learning about keeping my body in good condition so I can continue to do the work God has set before me.
These and other things God has shown me, other things He's taught me, got me up and moving this morning. As Paul says in Philippians 4 -
"I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who gives me strength."
- Philippians 4:12-13 (ESV)
God is my strength in my strongest and my weakest moments. All I have to do to see it is look to his word, and look at my life.
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