When the Words Won't Come

There's a blog post I've been trying to write for months now, and if you've been on this site in the last six months then you likely have a couple of ideas about which one it is. Maybe it's: 

  1. The one where I tell you what happened the day of the fire from my perspective
  2. The one with the updates on where everyone/everything is and how they/it are now
  3. The one where I write about how to get through the aftermath of a house fire

Or maybe it's something else and I just haven’t thought of it yet. *shrug*

For all the newcomers (or those of you who just haven't been in the loop), well… the summarized version of what happened is that my parents' home burned down in a brush fire six months ago. I was temporarily displaced by that fire as well, and most of my time and energy since had been invested in dealing with and starting to heal from that trauma alongside my family.

I've got drafts sitting on the back end of the site waiting to see the light of day for the list above, but at a certain point I just can't go any further in writing them. The words swirl around in my brain, but it's like they won't give me permission to use pen and paper or keyboard and computer to release them. They disappear when I get too close. Almost everything writing-related (including this blog) is on hold for me at the moment.

And I wish it were just the written word, but it’s not. It happens in conversations too. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I've had to admit out loud that I'm struggling to find words since the fire.  

Some things just cut too deep, I guess.

Right now, there are a lot of things I'm working through and thinking through that I wish I knew how to express. I also wish I could make promises about when I'll get back to consistent posts - here as well as on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram - but I can't promise anything right now.

I do want to get back to something approaching regularly scheduled programming at some point. I just need some more time to figure out what that looks like for me.

What I can tell you is that exactly six months ago today, during the middle of the day (same time of day as I am writing this now), I was sitting down to finish up a post for this site that was scheduled to go up the next day. It seems appropriate to be working on a post now that talks a little bit about where I'm at, even if I feel like what I'm writing is a jumbled mess at the moment and I don't know when the next post after this one will be.

Another thing I can tell you is that I am profoundly grateful for both the immediate and continued love and support of friends, family and people in the community around us. There's nothing easy about what we've been going through, but the burden feels lighter because of you.

Love all of you, and I'll catch you on the next post.
- Cat